You can’t easily be healthy and not dependent all of a sudden, but you can be dependent on something healthy. Drugs and other people are inconsistent as fuel because you cannot control them perfectly; you cannot make them output more happy juice when you need it (at least not without abusing them). But if you find a way to manufacture your own fuel – where you can constantly increase the happy juice output to higher and higher levels – it will do wonders for your ability to be independently happy.
Otherwise it would be hell
This fuel I speak of is something you love to do and derive a great sense of accomplishment from. Something that gets better and better and bigger and bigger the more you put effort into it.
I don’t know any example to give you besides a personal one, so here it goes: This blog is a big source of fuel for me. Whenever I get a comment or put up a new post or redesign the theme, it’s like throwing a fresh scoop of coal into my own little steam engine; making it burn hotter and hotter. When I feel crappy, I do something to improve the site, and it perks my mood right up. No romantic break-up or drug withdrawal will ever take away the fact that I created something that helps people every day. This is in some way what I was talking about in Your Challenge when I said “little by little you will build yourself back, out of brick and mortar instead of glass”.
Find your bricks, and start building your new house; your own little empire of accomplishments that came from the heart. And stand taller on that foundation forevermore.
2. There is nothing wrong with telling yourself “if all else fails I’m going back on the pill”. I still tell myself that. I’ve been telling myself that for 2 years. It’s actually kind of comforting. It focuses you, because what you’re effectively saying is “when I am convinced that there is nothing else I can do to succeed and be happy on my own, then I will admit defeat and go back on the pills, knowing that I tried and there was nothing for me down that path”. The thing is, there is almost always something more you can do, and when you start considering going back on the pills, those other things come to mind all of a sudden, and you suddenly feel like there’s something you can do, and there is. You keep saying “ok just this one more thing I could try to do that might help bring my drug-free dreams to life, but if that doesn’t help I’m going back on the pill” and eventually, after enough “just one more things”, you’ve gone miles. And you’re a lot closer. And it gets a little easier. A little.
3. I hope to God you didn’t try to take a full class load your first semester back. Take only one class if you have to. Work yourself back into it.
Trying to remain stimulated in an environment that is built for people with completely different brain scans
P.S. I’ve also created an email account for one-on-one help. Anybody that needs some personal help can get me here: mike at quittingadderall
As a ADD/ADHD person, you have a choice for how you want to live your life: Conform, or innovate? If you choose to conform, to pursue standard job roles for an otherwise gifted person, you may well need drugs to keep that cool-running frontal lobe stimulated. This is the hell I suspect you are going through: Trying to conform with a non-conforming brain and without medication. I salute you for your noble effort, but I can see how it’s a recipe for bitterness and disillusionment.